U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
