ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize