Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
