Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
