Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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