I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
