I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
