Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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