you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So here I am, sexting at work.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
