The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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