the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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