Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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