Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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