Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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