I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
