You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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