They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
