I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize