Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
