Your mouth is God's brothel.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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