I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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