everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize