my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We were destined to go to rehab together
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
