i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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