Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
