You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You may now shotgun with the bride
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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