Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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