break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
