What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
