she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
