What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
