I heard we made out
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
