did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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