Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
