we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You can't just leave with hair like that
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
