if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
