respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
