Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
