I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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