and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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