Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
