Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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