thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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