i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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