the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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