I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
