Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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