Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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