You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
