I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
