Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
