I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize