remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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