Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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