I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
