I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
